Sunday Telegraph writing about 'the science of heartbreak'

As the song says, breaking up is hard to do, and getting over an important relationship is anything but easy. It is however, possible to have a healthy break-up. These are some of the top tips I have shared with clients in my work as a therapist for both individuals and couples. The goal is for them to help people feel less alone, more hopeful and ready to move on to bigger, better things: 1. You are allowed to mourn. Even if you’re the one that ended the relationship, it will no doubt have been an important part of your life and something that you made a huge emotional investment in. Give yourself permission and time to grieve. 2. Recognise the relationship as a worthwhile experience. There’s a tendency post-breakup to look at the time as “wasted”. No matter what happened, you will have learnt and grown, and the lessons you take from the relationship (both good and bad) are valuable. Honour the relationship as an experience that has helped form part of who you are today. 3. Accept that ‘getting over it’ won’t be a linear journey. There will come a point when you start to feel better, more hopeful. Appreciate that this is a turning point, but it’s not always an upward trajectory from there. Good days may sometimes be followed by bad (or even terrible) ones, and that’s OK. It doesn’t mean you’re not moving forward. Be patient with yourself. 4. Talk to the right people. Whether it’s a professional or a good friend (or ideally both!), find someone to lean on if you are struggling. There’s nothing heroic about suffering in silence. Do watch out for those friends that are eager to show you your ex’s latest social media post or seem to delight in the drama – nothing good ever comes from post-breakup cyber stalking. 5. Respect the ending. When it ends, it’s usually for a reason. If you have made an informed, rational decision to leave, then you may need to remind yourself of this in some of the harder moments post break-up. If your partner made the decision, respect their boundaries. Trying to ‘win’ them back might seem like a grand, romantic gesture, but it often works far better in Hollywood than it does in real life. Approach them respectfully and if they ask for space, give it to them. And finally… 6. Do it in your own time. There’s no set time limit for how long it takes to feel better from a break-up, and no two journeys to healing a heartbreak are the same. Give yourself moments to wallow, and also know when to push yourself. It’s hard, but you’ll get there and eventually the pain will dull and the memories will fade. I say this as someone who’s been there – and quite frankly, who hasn’t been there? It does get better, I promise.

The long-lasting pain and heartache of divorce can sometimes feel just as enormous as a close bereavement. its important to learn how to adjust to life after divorce by firstly letting go of any blame or anger. The important thing to learn is once the divorce is over, let issues of blame go. Equally important are steps to embrace a new life, new freedoms and new opportunities. The journey to mending a broken heart after divorce start with the feeling of vulnerability, lack of control and not knowing where to turn. Then there is the anger and resentment of feeling unloved but as time progresses more positive steps enter our minds. Feelings of empowerment confidence and strength take over and it's important to embrace these positive swings. Now is the time to embrace the freedoms divorce can give, using those positive feelings you now have. Choice to take any road you want. Once you embrace these freedoms and choices the broken heart of divorce slips away and life's opportunities open up. So to mend a broken heart" - Let go of the past - Take time to renew your inner strength - Embrace new choices and chances - Take the positives of every opportunity - Finally never look back and always focus on what is now making you happy and successful

Divorce and any break-up is a complex thing. When you spend time with people, you form bonds and coping mechanisms that co-create the relationship. Depending on the relationship and the reason for the break-up, this could have been an amicable break-up, a really negative, abusive one or, more commonly something in between. Even when it's an amicable split, emotions of grief and guilt can still strike. They did for me. When I had to ring utility companies to say I wanted bills put into my name after a divorce I burst into tears as though he’d died. Why? Because I felt (as do many others) that I’d failed. If I was a nice person why would he want to leave me, why couldn’t we work it out? The first step is to acknowledge that relationships are 2-way things so you both have a part to play. Knowing about the drama triangle and how that can cause a myriad of problems is useful in unpicking what went wrong and staying on a better track next time. Trust is the next thing to build back up. Trust in yourself that your gut instinct is good and trust that the other person might be a good person. Keeping a little distance and thinking as though you are advising a friend is a great tip to live by whilst mending your broken heart and reconnecting.